Totally Worthless Reviews

I'm gonna stress something here--I don't really play any musical instruments.  However, I have infinite respect for people who do, since being a working musician is a hard, 24/7 job.  I don't play Guitar Hero either, but my respect levels for people who do is substantially less than those who, say, pick up a fucking guitar and learn to compose and play.  Thus, this exchange the other day in Gamestop:

Dude:  "Man, I can kick anyone's ass at guitar playing!  I beat my guitar-playing buddy on EASY!"

Gamestop Employee:  "So do you actually play guitar?"

Dude:  "Yeah, I play on expert all the time!"

Me:  "Okay, you seem to have confused mashing buttons on a plastic toy Gibson with musical skill.  Allow me to show you the difference by beating you first with one, and then the other."

Police Officer:  "So tell me again exactly when the gun went off..."

Okay, so maybe it didn't happen quite like that, but I did go so far as to pick up one of those overpriced guitar controllers and get ready to wield it like a baseball bat.  

Unfortunately, it's a common sentiment--Playing Guitar Hero=Musical God.  These are people who must die, possibly by strangling themselves en masse with guitar strings (I would accept picks through eyeballs, but that'd be more for an Oedipal wandering through the desert in remorse sort of thing).  I thought I'd take a moment to point out to various and sundry morons the difference:

Guitar Hero Kid Again!

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That child is playing a video game.  You can tell because there's a television screen behind him indicating which buttons should be pressed and when.  It is also painfully obvious that this child has spent so much time in front of this game that he has memorized the level--not that he's learned the song by heart.

Eddie Blue - Cliffs of Dover

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This kid is actually playing a guitar.  I know it might be confusing, but you can tell this is an actual instrument by the fact that 1) it is plugged into an amp, not an XBox, 2) People are applauding this kid, and 3) Actual music is coming from it, not a taped recording of MCR.

Also, if you think this little dude is awesome, go comment on Youtube as well--apparently, his asshole dad thinks he sucks and should take down the video. 

The Reminder

Feist

1,2,3,4...Feist declares a thumb war?

I can't say enough good things about this album.  Really, it's fantastic on pretty much all counts.  However, since "good" isn't something I write especially well, and since I'm taking off on vacation for two weeks, here's the talking points version:

• "My Moon My Man" proves that Spoon and Feist should collaborate on an album.
• This album is good enough to get you laid.
• "Sea Lion Woman" would do Nina Simone proud.
• Feist can't count to 10.
• Feist should become absolutely huge with this album.

It's not a something for everyone sort of album--it would be painfully easy for Feist to cross the line into Norah Jones  territory to attract legions of new listeners, but The Reminder doesn't pander, and doesn't compromise an ounce of quality (even though it's pretty much engineered to sell zillions of copies).  It's Great Music, the sort of album that knocks you flat and makes you listen compulsively.  Go, listen, now.

Saw Spiderman 3 today, and have this observation to make:

Emo spiderman

Dear Tori,

I used to be a major fan--I bought three copies of Under the Pink between 1995 and 1997, because one wore out and Jessie Howe stole the second one at a slumber party.  My math notebook was littered with quotes from Little Earthquakes, and at one point I scribbled the lyrics to "Spark" all over a pair of knockoff K-Mart brand Vans.  I believe I had "Icicle" on repeat for approximately six months, during which time I read The Handmaid's Tale, Borderlands, and miscellaneous books about Wicca and goddess worship.  You were as important to my development at 12 as Janis Joplin was at 14, and Patti Smith was at 16.  It's good company.

Because of these fond memories I have of your potent piano ballads, I'm very concerned about the direction your music has taken of late.  I've always given your new work a fair listen, even though From the Choirgirl Hotel was the last album I really enjoyed listening to.  I thought, when Strange Little Girls came out and left me cold, that maybe I was just getting too old.  But no, American Doll Posse confirms the suspicion I've held since listening to Scarlet's Walk--your music is getting worse.

I think you can reverse this alarming trend easily, though.  I've given it a lot of thought, and there are a few things you can do to restore your music to its former glory.  Please, read through my recommendations:

1.  Get divorced.  I know this step seems extreme, but let's face it, your husband hasn't exactly done stellar sound engineering work for you.  Also, the Tori we love is angry at the intangible unfairness of the universe--a painful divorce will bring back the pain and rage, and keep you out of "Adult Contemporary" wastelands.

2.  Criticize religion, not politics.  "God" is a spectacular song that eloquently and simply tears down the conventions of Christianity, and both "God" and "Crucify" speak to the lack of a savior in our modern era.  "Yo George," on the other hand, is a weak attack on Bush II which claims "Mr. Lincoln, we can't seem to find you anywhere."  Alas, given that Lincoln famously closed newspapers which were critical of the war, suspended habeas corpus, and limited civil liberties, the analogy as you present it is pretty weak.

3.  Don't use "Pookie Pie" in any of your lyrics ever again.  Seriously, it's kinda gross.

4.  Do not refer to yourself as a "MILF."  It doesn't work that way.

5.  Stop dropping references to Neil Gaiman.  We know you're friends, we get it.  We know a character in The Sandman series is based on you.  That's great.  I have science fiction authors for friends too (buy Invictus by Vyshali Manivannan at amazon.com!); you're not that special.

6.  The amount of instruments to be used in any given song should be limited to three.  You are always better in songs with sparing arrangements--you don't have a powerful rock or soul voice, and a piano, some percussion, and maybe some sparing strings is about all you need.  Anything else and you're lost.

7.  None of the three instruments you use should be an electric guitar.

8.  Rerelease Y Kant Tori Read, Little Earthquakes, and Under the Pink with various bonus materials and remastered sound.   Remind everyone why we loved you before.  Profit.  Retire.

I hope you consider making some of these changes before you permanently tarnish the memories I and fans have of your music.  I think you should also considering making a PSA for new "piano bar girl" acts like Regina Spektor, Nellie McKay, and Feist about the perils of going from hipster favorite to Casey Kasem Countdown staple.  If only someone had done something similar for you, maybe then you wouldn't be desperately proclaiming yourself a southern girl, hoping someone pays attention.

Best Wishes.

So, Britney Spears shook her sagging, pathetic naked torso at the terrified citizens of San Diego a few nights ago and called it a music performance.  Pray for them, and for Axl Rose, from whom she appears to have stolen this jacket.  Fuck, pray for yourselves, that Britzilla will never resurface.

Mostly, I haven't worked up the emotional energy to make it through either Feist or Tori Amos's new albums (hell, the cover art on American Doll Posse scares the shit out of me).

In the last couple weeks, a few significant singles have been released--Kelly Clarkson and, um, fuck, I'm out.  Seriously, Wilco made "What Light" available on their website for free; the White Stripes are charging for their "Icky Thump" single, and that alone should tell you the difference between "I'm Jeff Tweedy, and I Believe Our Music Sells Itself" and "I'm Jack White, and I Sell My Own Shit for Money."

So, each in turn:

"What Light" - Wilco

I think liking "What Light" depends on your opinion of Summerteeth.  If you're a post-Yankee Wilco fan, expect to be disappointed--Tweedy's channeling Dylan on this one (right down to the chord structure).  On the other hand, if you think Summerteeth is criminally underrated, or if your copy of Being There is totally worn out, "What Light" should make you wet yourself with glee over the upcoming album.  "What Light" isn't really a return to form, though--mostly, it sounds like Wilco finally got its collective shit together, and are a long fucking last making music and enjoying the process.

Alt country seems to be the musical flavor of the year--it's getting crowded all of a sudden.  "What Light" is solid, it's good, and Sky Blue Sky will be mine the second it's available, but lyrically, it's nowhere near as good as pretty much anything on A Ghost is Born.  On the other hand, it's the sort of song that begs to be sung by an audience, the kind of song that can unite 10,000 people and feel like an intimate show.

"Icky Thump" - The White Stripes

I've seen the White Stripes exactly once, when they were touring in support of De Stijl.  Even when these guys were on Sympathy, they were fuckin' rock stars (anyone who says they remember when Jack White couldn't pack the house is lying--even when they were "indie" they were huge).  And I'll be honest--I hated the show.  I hated the fanboi!s in red and white (if your show has a dress code, I'm not attending), I hated the critics who packed in around the stage, and I really hated that I took my first (and last) major injury in the pit.  However--they were young and hungry, the set was fantastic, and I thought even then that those guys should become the biggest band in America.

I just didn't think they'd do it with such obnoxious music.  "Icky Thump" reverses every small glimmer of hope that the the days of "Seven Nation Army" relentlessness were behind us.  Hoo boy, is this one a stinker dressed as a diamond--Meg's pounding harder, Jack's playing the same riff ad nauseam, and the "la la las" are even trotted out alongside rock-godding so overt that this might be mistaken for Wolfmother's follow-up album.   Music like this reminds me why I shut off the radio for good in 2003.

I love stupid comments on the internet.  Sometimes, to get my fill when I need it, I read comments on Rolling Stone's "Best Whatever Lists" (ah, RS=VH1.  It's all so clear now).  I found a "Best Indie Rock Songs Ever" list from last month which has a teeny, tiny shred of accuracy (though "Call the Doctor" is leagues behind about 25 other Sleater-Kinney songs as an anthem), and it included possibly the Dumbest Music Comment Ever in the comments.  Behold:

How the hell can Justin Timberfake be indie ? He is nothing more than a TRL puppet that got to screw Britney and Cameron Diaz. That is not indie, nor is it even making music. The definition of indie is basically alternative bands and musicians that don’t sell millions of copies of their albums. Here is MY list:

So, here we go with a dude who's affected the superior attitude of the "indie kid," who very clearly believes he knows what IS and what IS NOT.  Now, ready for his list?

Death Cab For Cutie - Styrofoam Plates
Sonic Youth - Teenage Riot
The Strokes - On The Other Side
Death Cab For Cutie - Line Of Best Fit
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Anything of Show Your Bones
The Shins - Caring Is Creepy
Death Cab For Cutie - Title And Registration

Funny because:  "musicians that don't sell millions of copies of their albums" is his MAIN criteria for indie--I'm not 100%, but I'm pretty fucking sure The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Death Cab for Cutie have all sold in the millions.  Also funny because I think the gist of the list in the first place is to pick out indie songs which are stand-up and shout from the rooftops amazing--DCFC is basically music for your car.  Thirdly funny because all those songs are on major release, commercial albums (most from major labels).  Fourthly funny because the inclusion of "Teen Age Riot" probably has more to do with looking cool than actually owning Daydream Nation.  Fifthly funny 'cause yeah, this dude's a grade A moron.

Do I have a list?  Well, yeah.  But I find music lists on the internet to be totally fucking lame, so all I'm gonna say is "Words and Guitar" would be my Sleater-Kinney choice for "anthemic."

Favourite Worst Nightmare

Arctic Monkeys

For the life of me, I can't understand why these guys are famous.  That's not to say I think they suck--they're perfectly competent musicians--but they offer zero improvements on the long-established pattern of Brit-rock.  I've always considered them a less sophisticated Franz Ferdinand, who are in turn a somewhat less exciting version of the Libertines, who are really...well, yeah, you get the point.  What happens when you distill the basic formula of original British Invasion rock through 40 years of punk, alt, and no-wave?  You get Arctic Monkeys.

Like Arctic Monkey's previous efforts, Favourite Worst Nightmare is chock full of catchy, balls out rock which would be perfectly suited to iPod ads.  "Brianstorm" kicks off the record with the aggressive message of "Look!  We're even EDGIER!" which seems to mean "We kicked up our tempo a notch, so almost none of our songs break 3:30."  Most of the album follows that formula, which is a damn shame, since the only songs which made me sit up and pay attention are the ones outside that particular mold.  Exhibit A:  "If You Were There, Beware," a moody exercise in playing with filters and shifting time signatures that sits right on the line of disaster and excellence.   "Fluorescent Adolescent" is a step or two away from making the Arctic Monkeys actually worth the hype.  Lyrically, the album reveals a fixation on fakes and sell-outs--territory which might be better left to the underrated American hands of Max Bemis and friends, rather than a band which rode Rolling Stone and Spin to superstardom.

Unfortunately, the Arctic Monkeys still can't tell a story which hasn't been told before, can't improve on a formula, and  can't persuade me to listen to Favourite Worst Nightmare when I own Up the Bracket.  And You Could Have it So Much Better with Franz Ferdinand, for that matter.  If they can bring something to the table besides catchiness and volume, then maybe, just maybe, they'll be worth their fame.  For now, they're just another catchy British band with occasional flashes of greatness--no better, and no worse than their peers and predecessors.

...I'm just...so choked up that Sanjaya got voted off American Idol.  I thought it was supposed to be about the MUSIC!

Seriously, my husband's cat died the other day after 18 years of terrorizing his sister.  He's bummed, I'm bummed, but next week I'll be ready to rip the fuck out of an album or music policy or some shit like that.